NBA Jam Rosters

I know that all the other blogs out there have already given their breakdowns on the new NBA Jam's rosters. However, all of that analysis will prove to be nothing compared to what you are about to behold. Please study up because there will be many a Man Challenge in my apartment once we acquire this glorious video game.

(For those who do not know - Man Challenges were created our freshman year of college. They consist of challenging another man to a three game series of video games. Back then, we first used NHL 2k5 but then moved on to Madden and NCCA Football, too. The key is that you do not get to choose your team for a Man Challenge. Instead, you have to randomly select your squad for each of the three games in order to test your true manliness. Usually Miller High Life is also consumed during the events.)

Atlanta Hawks
Players: Joe Johnson, Josh Smith and Mike Bibby
Legends: Dominique Wilkins and Spud Webb

Only a true pimp would select to play with a team of Bibby and Spud. But I imagine they would get maimed so badly in the first half, that they would be unable to play the second half. Good thing you can combine Smith and 'Nique to run a personal Slam Dunk Contest for the win.

Boston Celtics
Players: Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, Rajon Rondo and Ray Allen
Legends: Larry Bird and Kevin McHale

Whew, good thing they added those white guys - otherwise the true essence of Boston would be lost.

Charlotte Bobcats
Players: Gerald Wallace, Stephen Jackson and Tyrus Thomas
Mascot: Rufus Lynx

This a nasty, hood-ass team. Probably will be my second favorite to play with. But why the fuck is the Bobcats mascot a Lynx? That makes zero sense. At least he looks like a pimp.

Chicago Bulls
Players: Derrick Rose, Luol Deng, Joakim Noah and Carlos Boozer
Legends: Scottie Pippen and Dennis Rodman

I don't care if the strategy of NBA Jam is to throw down nasty dunks, I'm just gonna shoot 19 footers with Lu all day long.

Cleveland Cavaliers
Players: Mo Williams, Antawn Jamison and Anderson Varejao
Legends: Mark Price and Brad Daugherty

Ha, the Cavs are terrible. Please try to convince me that their current roster in this video game and in real life is not bottom five in the league. You can't, it's impossible, mainly because it's full of quitters.

Detroit Pistons
Players: Richard Hamilton, Rodney Stuckey, Charlie Villanueva and Ben Gordon
Legends: Isiah Thomas and Bill Laimbeer

I hope that Charlie Villanueva's hairless body is properly animated. Side note - can I ever resist making a Charlie Villanueva joke? No, never. Same goes for Adam Morrison/Jay Cutler diabetes jokes. To me, they never get old.

Indiana Pacers
Players: Danny Granger, Mike Dunleavy and T.J. Ford
Legend: Detlef Schrempf

No Reggie? Ouch. There goes my bombs away three point lineup with him and Dunleavy. Also note, this team is not all that good sans Reggie and a big man since you really only have to focus on not getting beat with Granger. Kinda like the real Pacers.

Milwaukee Bucks
Players: Michael Redd, Andrew Bogut, Brandon Jennings and Corey Maggette
Mascot: Bango The Buck

This will actually be a fun team to play with. Between BJ's speed and shooting and Bogut's noodle arm rebounding/blocking down low, they will be very frustrating to face. And any animal named "Bango" also intimidates me.

New Jersey Nets
Players: Devin Harris, Brook Lopez and Courtney Lee
Legends: Kenny Anderson and Drazen Petrovic

They should have included Jayson Williams' limo driver as a legend so that you could play with an all-dead lineup!

New York Knicks
Players: Al Harrington, Danilo Gallinari and Amare Stoudemire
Legends: Patrick Ewing, Larry Johnson and John Starks

Man, fuck John Starks.

Orlando Magic
Players: Dwight Howard, Vince Carter and Rashard Lewis
Legends: Nick Anderson and Scott Skiles

How do you not include Penny? He is easily top five in terms of players who should not have been left out of the game. But then again, he still thinks he can lace it up for the Heat, so maybe he can't quite go to "Legend" status yet. That's why they should have included a "Underachieved But Was Sweet Anyways" category of players to pick from.

Philadelphia 76ers
Players: Andre Iguodala, Elton Brand and Evan Turner
Legends: Julius Erving and Allen Iverson

No one's ever going to play with anyone besides AI and Dr. J. They shouldn't have even bothered to include current Sixers at all.

Toronto Raptors
Players: DeMar DeRozan, Jarrett Jack and Andrea Bargnani
Mascot: The Raptor

Holy fuck. I hope I never get this team in a Man Challenge.

Washington Wizards
Players: Yi Jianlian, Andray Blatche, Gilbert Arenas and John Wall
Legend: Manute Bol
Mascot: G-Wiz

Dave has preemptively declared that this will be his go-to team. And I can't blame him, the possibilities for fun are endless with this roster. Yi and Manute Bol on the floor at the same time! Child please, you know that you won't be able to fight back your laughter watching them play together.

Dallas Mavericks
Players: Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Kidd and Caron Butler
Mascot: Mavs Man

Totally would have been cooler if you were able to play a Dirk/Bratwurst lineup instead of using Mavs Man.

Denver Nuggets
Players: Carmelo Anthony, Chauncey Billups and Kenyon Martin
Mascot: Rocky The Mountain Lion

No Dikembe Mutombo? We have to settle for a dorky mascot that looks like the Pink Panther to pair with one of our hood-ass players? Come on! Hopefully you are only allowed to wear the rainbow warrior unis in order to make up for this travesty against such an awesome franchise.

Golden State Warriors
Players: Monta Ellis, David Lee, Stephen Curry and Andris Biedrins
Legends: Tim Hardaway and Chris Mullin

Damn, too bad they didn't pick John Amaechi for the Magic, otherwise matching up them and this team with Hardaway would have been the ultimate face-off.

Houston Rockets
Players: Kevin Martin, Yao Ming and Trevor Ariza
Legends: Hakeem Olajuwon and Kenny Smith

Much the way Dave immediately picked the Wizards, I chose this team. Please explain to me how you are going to stop my Yao/Hakeem go-to combo. Impossible. You will be unable to shoot at all since video games don't care that Yao is as reliable as my old '88 Cavalier.

Los Angeles Clippers
Players: Baron Davis, Blake Griffin and Chris Kaman
Legend: Danny Manning

I hope they have a good knee doctor.

Los Angeles Lakers
Players: Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol, Ron Artest and Lamar Odom
Legends: Magic Johnson and James Worthy

Not even fair.

Memphis Grizzlies
Players: O.J. Mayo, Zach Randolph and Rudy Gay
Legend: Bryant Reeves

BIG COUNTRY! (Lots of excited 13-year-old girl shrieking)

Minnesota Timberwolves
Players: Al Jefferson, Kevin Love, Jonny Flynn and Michael Beasley
Legend: Chuck Person

Woof.

New Orleans Hornets
Players: Chris Paul, David West and Peja Stojakovic
Legend: Larry Johnson

You know that this means there will have to be many Hornets/Knicks matchups just so LJ can face himself.

Oklahoma City Thunder
Players: Kevin Durant, Jeff Green and Russell Westbrook
Legend: Rumble The Bison

I hate this game for not allowing the Thunder to have Payton & Kemp from the Sonics. That sucks since they were far and away the best one-two combo in any version of NBA Jam ever.  Durant/Kemp would have been my favorite to play with, but no, Seattle can't even have the glory of getting to have fun playing NBA Jam.

Phoenix Suns
Players: Steve Nash, Grant Hill and Jason Richardson
Legends: Dan Majerle and Kevin Johnson

Do you get to use the 1995 version of Grant Hill?

Portland Trail Blazers
Players: Brandon Roy, LaMarcus Aldridge and Greg Oden
Legend: Clyde Drexler

Maybe there will be some secret code that will allow you to play as Jordan/Durant - "What Could Have Been" mode - that would make this team way sweeter.

Sacramento Kings
Players: Tyreke Evans, Carl Landry, Jason Thompson and DeMarcus Cousins
Legend: Mitch Richmond

Mitch Richmond is way underrated and forgotten in by basketball history, but it will be impossible to resist playing with the Tyreke/Cousins combo.

San Antonio Spurs
Players: Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili
Legends: David Robinson and George Gervin

I'm getting tired of posting, and this team is putting me to sleep, per usual. I better move on before I pass out.

Utah Jazz
Players: Deron Williams, Andrei Kirilenko and Mehmet Okur
Legends: Karl Malone and John Stockton

Just slightly less boring because of Deron. And the Mailman/Deron combo will be the game's best. I doubt they will ever lose a Man Challenge.

All I know is that October 5th cannot get here fast enough. All are welcome to my crib when we buy this game and don't come outside for the fortnight following.